Digital Social Manual

During this confinement, we’re all resorting to technology (even) more, particularly to keep in touch with our loved ones. But, like the analogue apes we are, the digital world is not intuitive for us and we tend to treat these communication channels exactly the same as if we were talking to someone in person.

But written communication is not the same as in person. It’s been proven that nonverbal signals are extremely important in communication. Intonation and body language change the meaning of a sentence completely. So when the only thing that reaches us are written words, no matter how much we try to take them literally our subconscious always fills in the missing information, interpreting the message according to our relationship with the other person, our mood, our position towards the message’s content, etc.

Up until 100 years ago, this was patently obvious to anyone who tried to communicate with someone further than their voice range, because the only way to do so was in writing (it’s weird to think that until less than a century ago, if an adolescent wanted to communicate with his buddies/lass privately, then learning to read and write was the equivalent of having a smartphone today. Father, if I finish shearing the goats, can I go to the school on Sunday?).

But nowadays technology delivers written messages immediately and, since we’re all hooked to our dumbphones (EVERY hour of EVERY day), our ape brain gets confused and treats this digital communication the same as a conversation, instead of a series of letters written at typing speed.

So here are some basic guidelines to improve digital communication:

1) Defuse tensions

Since we lack nonverbal signals, it is easy to misinterpret a written message. In order to avoid problems and upset, whenever we feel offended/attacked, before retaliating like an e-psycho, we can use a technique from verbal communication, which in this case is even more useful, which his to confirm that we are understanding correctly what someone is trying to tell us. Phrases like I’m curious, tell me more or How interesting, why do you say/think that? Give the other person the opportunity to reflect and clarify their words. It’s worth giving dialogue another chance, after all, you’ll always have time to roll up your sleeves and go full Ribery (when the press criticised him for eating a gold-leaf steak):

For 2019, let’s dot the i’s and cross the t’s… Let’s start with the jealous, the haters, those only born because a hole in a condom: f*ck your mothers, your grandmothers and your entire family tree. I owe you nothing. My success is, above all, thanks to God, me, and my loved ones who believed in me. For the rest, you are nothing but pebbles in my socks! — — — (Bravo Franck! You deserve two Golden Balls)

2) Provide value

In analogue communication, the other person has the option of steering, interrupting and even leaving a conversation that they’re not getting anything from. But in the digital world, by having unrestricted access to the receiver and at staggered times to boot, we don’t receive the signs of their lack of interest. The solution is very simple, we just need to ask ourselves if we are sending a message for their benefit or for ours. Are we adding something to the receiver’s life or simply vomiting on them? Are we strengthening a bond with the other person or are we masturbating in public?

We have all made this mistake at some point (or very often, I for one, feel quite ashamed when I think about this), and we’ve all got that friend who feels obligated to respond hahaha to EVERYTHING they receive. The worst is when that friend is in the same thread as the retard who automatically forwards EVERYTHING he gets. Let’s remember this: if we haven’t wet our pants with a joke and/or if we think others won’t find it quite as funny, better to bury it than forward it.

And then we have those who say hello every morning or the ones who send pictures of any mediocrity that they do/eat/cook/see/read/step on/screw/defecate. Let’s use our common sense and think if we’re sending tings that interest or bore the world: Are we sending the type of things we receive? Is the stuff we send received with enthusiasm? And in case of doubt, instead of sending crap indiscriminately, we can try posting it to Instagram, that’s what it’s for, and let those who want to see it follow the account.

This you don’t see every day

Stop sending this!

3) Respect others’ time

When we’re having a conversation, the other person is present, at that moment their attention is focused on us. What’s more, listening to a spoken word just takes an instant. But when we send a message, the receiver has to interrupt what they’re doing to access the application, open the message, read it, respond/act if relevant and delete it.

That’s why responding to a message saying only Thanks not only adds zero value but in fact wastes time (the thing that life is made of!). It’s normal that we wish to express our gratitude for a favour, but let’s think if we really need to reply to EVERY message. Perhaps replying just once a day or once a week or even once a month would be much more valuable. For example, instead of replying with an aseptic Thanks 25 time a week (100 messages per month!), we can dedicate a few minutes each month to composing a personalised message expressing our gratitude for all help and support we receive. That way, we’ll be stealing less time, transmitting much better how we feel and perhaps even lighting up their day.

Even worse are those who spawn looong chains by sending open questions or asking for confirmation without providing options. For example when asking for something: Could you help me with a cleaning job? and waiting for an answer before giving more details, instead of giving all the information up-front: I need help removing bloodstains from a sofa, see attached pics. If you can help, you don’t need to respond, just come over asap. If you can’t, do you know anyone who might? Oh and thanks in advance!

Or the classic attempt to organise something: What time would work for you? instead of Can you make it tomorrow at 4? If not, I’m also free at 6 or the day after between 1 and 3 (and when there are several participants this descends into chaos, it’s much better to use a common board like Doodle.com, Google calendar or Excel sheet).

And while we’re organising, if we are talking with a group of 8 people and a topic comes up that only interests/involves 4 of them, it’s natural for the conversation to fork and two subgroups to form or else for someone to say OK, let’s please discuss it later. What would never happen is that all 8 would try to maintain two different conversations at the same time (grotesque) or that half of them would remain completely silent like the audience in a chat show (sad). Therefore, in digital communication it is a matter of courtesy to open up separate threads for very specific topics/interests.

Personally, my pet hate are those who ask (several times!) Where/when are we meeting? Instead of bothering to use Search because, implicitly, they are saying My time is more valuable than yours.

The conclusion is that, just like a painting and a photo, a squid and a cuttlefish or the De Boer twins, in persona and digital communication are similar, but not the same, so we shouldn’t treat them as such. Obviously, we’re talking about personal relations and we don’t treat a friend, colleague or client the same way, so all this should be taken with a pinch of salt. It’s not worth getting mad and end up having a fight, even if it’s a digital one. If you want to defuse tension, provide some value and respect others’ time, perhaps the best idea is to send them this post as a subtle sign ;-)

Originally published at http://pandemicponderings.wordpress.com on April 22, 2020.